The accidental smile or a quick laugh that happens in a day , when while at it, you lips hurt and so does your jaw punishing you for daring to do that, when while doing so, you just stop abruptly, thinking twice that that’s not what you are supposed to do because deep within that soul, there is this treasure of sadness that weighs too much to handle a single smile a day but unfortunately you got to bring it on because you are just not ready for the questions that might pop up from around, the strength to deal with that is more than horrifying, so you end up doing what you are the best at: Bluffing!
The fearless fake smile that stands out, everyone too occupied to swim down the sorrow that resides in the eyes so they buy that ridiculously plastic smile that has been through shit loads of crappy emotions inside.
What do you think that particular smile is made of ?? Blood, tears, hatred, pressure, fears, trauma, unfulfilled dreams, insults, mental illness, dullness, extravagant dead soul, false hopes, sickness.. this and more than this is what comprises that one smile that comes out! I fail to understand how it makes it’s way out in public inspite of the package!^
I don’t want to make it a part of my life, even if it requires no taxes, I’ll pay plenty to not to do so ever again. Even the blood that flows out as tears does no harm to me or anyone around me, it gives me a high! The feeling of slowly losing him with a blend of the outflow of such saddened emotions is what gets me through the day. The smiles on the other hand gives me reasons to die
CONCLUSION : EVERY SINGLE TIME I SMILE, NOTE, IN MY HEAD AND BODY AND SOUL, IT JUST ADDS TO A REASON TO WHY I SHOULD QUIT LIFE.
Its like really punishing myself. I have darker dreams for me now. The smile deteriorates my willingness to live. Thats not what is the plan right now. Its a punishment to do so without him. ! How can I in his absence?? Its him who made me aware of the happiness so i can’t.
One day I might not be able to please anyone, because the smile just won’t come out, already the tension between me and the smile is increasing everyday!
What are my thoughts while I am on it ?? From the outside I might be having that (accidental) smile, but from the inside, I feel like punching my teeth out, not one should be left in there, tearing every bit of those lips that lead to it, shit I want to smash my cheek bones against a knife or something, in fact the literal feeling asks me to cut my neck off apart with an arc! Thats what I really want to do.
I haven’t even come to the worse part yet which is that the people around me, actually think that I am happy, there is a river inside me that can explode like a tsunami any second now and they really think that i am happy! huh! They think that a smile or a bit of laughter might make me feel better but they can’t be more wrong , they say that a little laughter increases the blood within you but what they don’t know is that this act might lead to the loss of blood in my system!
What the heck is the meaning of this smile without you R ? Nothing! Give me one reason why I should be doing it more often ?? The very reason to my smile is miles apart so then why ??? Why should i pressure myself so much for a stupid extension of the lips ??? The genuine one wont come out any way so then why ???? I feel like there is this creature living inside me, eating everything inside me, making my structure hollow and leaving me in pieces to fix. In all this, who can even think of being happy ???
I am not even left with my own self anymore to help myself. How will God help me ? How will anyone help me ??
Its like, every second that i am “living” right now is an obligation. I don’t want anything without you damit, not even the sorrow for crying out loud. Even that is easier to handle in your presence.
I don’t know when will i speak to you . I don’t know when will i see you. I don’t know when will i touch you, I don’t know when will I hug you. I don’t know when will I look in those eyes and shatter my emotions, I don’t know when will I get the chance of even seeing you from a distance, I don’t know when will I hold that hand for just a second, I don’t know when will I make a nice clean bed with you to lay on it . I don’t know when…..
But I can only hope that I live long enough to do all the above and share the purest form of laughter with you for real! Not fake it! Just YOU!!!!!
Let my smile be directly proportional to your’s again once and for all….
And up till then ,
Because this is the one place where I won’t fake a single thing….
Always know that my one fake smile is hiding a million tears!
And i am going to fake this smile for a 1000 miles till I reach you!
I am living the biggest challenge of smiling with tears in my eyes … and you know my eyes …? You remember them ??? They are turning from light brown to darkest grey because no light is restoring the spark in them!
Bring these names together to bring my smile back!