Darkest lights from the colourless soul

It’s hard to even write right now with all the voices surrounding me. No not the crackers, the voices of pain and suffocation accompanied by sheer loneliness and all I have right now in front of my eyes is a picture of her. A picture so vivid that I can actually see all the dark lights reflecting from her eyes. I can see her curled up in her bed as she’s looking out the window, she’s praying but her prayers are empty. She nods to voices inside her head slowly, trying to make her self believe that she’s doing ‘fine’.

Only the cries are left from the fights she has fought in the past. The scars are everywhere because of that. It’s killing her now as even her cries are mute because of the vacuum of emotions that is surrounding her soul. No one can hear them, she’s screaming but there’s no sound. Waiting for someone to open the door and just hold her for eternity.  The soul is being rotted out in the salinity of her blood.

Oh wait, I see her again, she takes another puff for her soul to breathe. Just stop there, you! STOP! take a deep breath, leave that blanket, it’s bleeding as your nails are dug so deep into it. Take your face out of that pillow that is drenched in your tears. If you see up you’ll know your face is shining brighter than the lights. That your soul is beautiful and you will always be in my prayers. The sun will shine but this time it won’t rise from east but from within you.

Hang on lover, you’ll see the light again. Hang on lover, you’ll start to feel again. Hang on, my soul.

-P (forever)

 

 

 

 

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The Chronicles Of A Jaded Lover

“She’s a lover. She’s one of a kind”, this is what everyone heard about her. The legend says the light from her eyes kept the sun alive, her beauty was only comparable to the goddess that created her, her skin smelled like the pure moonlight and her hair tangled the stars in it. She wasn’t one of us, she was a lover. A lover who could take on the world without shedding a tear. A lover who could bring colour to palest of things. A lover who could animate the inanimate. Oh! how much I wanted to experience the phenomenon of looking at her.

It was early morn, the sky is ready to embrace the light as she raises her arms to join her hands with the air rushing through the crevices between her fingers. She takes a look over her shoulder, she wants to be alone. Her eyes are full of morning dew and the eyelashes can succumb any second now. As she starts to pray the weight falls from her eyes, the skin starts to shed to become a blanket for the past. The misty eyes, the foggy lips have now started to filter the surroundings. She inhales the fumes of sorrow which are slowly revolving around her, creating a perfect motion for her to feel as if she’s drowning in her self made pool of grief.

She’s murmuring the chants as the excess skin from her cracked lips falls to the ground and the blood that is left behind evaporates into thin air like a spirit. Her feet is cut, her back is hurt. Every little inch of her is suffering and breaking as the prayer comes out from her mouth. The immortal angels are dying with her every tear and the gods are mourning.

I think she is tired, her body is not reacting to love, what’s happening?

 Her soul is now a sheet of paper with scribbles of her broken dreams. The dreams which made her feel more close to us humans cause she wasn’t ‘one of us’. The broken promises and lies kept swirling and tossing her soul and her body from one corner to another.  With a hope of finding a safer corner than the previous. She didn’t know that with every toss the fall was taking a nibble out of her soul. She needed a cushion, something gentle to fall onto. A cushion made of thousand snowflakes woven with pieces of her own skin(because nothing would be as gentle as this).

The days are a lot less brighter now, the nights don’t have that same old cool breeze but,  I know she’ll soon break her fall, her soul will rejuvenate like the birth of the biggest star and  her heart will float again in the weightlessness of her emotions, she’ll break her shell to fly again. She’ll become even more beautiful(if that’s even possible) with this rebirth.

Because she’ll always be a LOVER and not one of US.

-P

Boyfrenemy & Frenemies

To one and all, of the very minimal audience to whom this post is gonna reach, for the very few eyes those are going to read this word to word, this one is my one and the very last post that is ever going to be jotted down.. NEVER! I repeat! NEVER do I intend to write a post post this one.

Wondering why ? Well if you are then, there, let me tell you that in life their occurs a point where you only feel betrayed by all around you, YOUR VERY LOVE and then even the one’s who care for you or ONE’S WHO CARED FOR YOU once upon a time. Whatever the situation maybe, and then, it’s even harder for you to finally realize that thats not actually a feeling but you are after all betrayed. Physically assaulted/physically hurt (literally) with all the bruises/emotionally reckoned/mentally frightened/forcefully stable/unfortunately troubled/deeply digged by the heaviness of anxiety/horribly weak/dissatisfied by each and every element that is there within you and in the very air around you. The tiniest particle of dust is even better than the oxygen that you breathe….

Phew! Lets talk about the former one first : YOUR VERY LOVE! If you religiously have been following all that I have wrote so far, you might very well know what I have for him is above LOVE! It’s my worship. You know the feeling when for years and years when you have been paying all your respects to this one particular God, without a miss and you have all the faith in him that he won’t let you down, suddenly starts paying more attention to the new visitors in his temple just because they are new and all he wants to do is increase the number of followers… How will you feel ??? When you have thought of nothing all these years, spoken of nothing, dreamt of nothing, very honestly have only been head down to your God, with the believe that he will make all this worth while and all you conclude is that he is just attracted to this new fancy list of foreigner followers , how will that feel ??? Where will you go ???? What door will be left now ????? NONE! Of course you will be insecure, won’t you ???? When you have been dying quite literally just to see him, searching him all these months just for just a glance of him through the entire crown, traveling every place, seeing him in every person possible, you actually end up glancing him with a fresh faced actually pretty but ugly in my eyes looking female follower, will that be alright ????? When it will start reaching public through all the media, and you will know that a million mutual connections that the both of you had have actually seen him with her now. Won’t you feel like the biggest fool ever ???? Like all this time, all that happened was that you ended up making a mockery out of yourself…. The actual feeling would be like you are harassed by eyes of everyone but above all, your faith has died. Buried under some one else’s grave. Imagine. There is ground level, then the soil, then the root level, and alot beneath it is buried a grave and now go deeper, deeper than that, right there, thats where your faith has finally flushed through. No one can ever even try to bring that faith back because no one will ever be able to find it. So just like that boom! Gone. My faith in Love just like that disappeared. And I was all about it so far. So far I thought that I knew it all on Love but I was so wrong. So I QUIT! The biggest and the strongest reason that could have ever stopped my fingers from typing all the crap that I have up until now. #boyfrenemy

– L.H.S.

Moving to the latter part : THE FRIENDS WHO CARED !!! The sucked up life that I already had with almost a negative set of people whom I could say friend or friends have now thrown me. Literally. Had fun with me to build a life/Hit me/Scared the f*** out of me/Helped me cry an ocean/Increased all the pain inside of me and yet still can even think to exist in my life! WRONG! Absof***inglutely wrong. Now imagine this : When *your very love* is away from you. Seven oceans as they say. So far away from you, and you have just 1 or 2 people to count on and then one out of them just hits you. You know.. Well hitting would be the last part I would say. Like the part that ended it all. A friend who you thought knows you way more than you do, that friend brings this very very huge pile of disturbance in your life and when that was not enough, he just throws it at you. Like bang!!!!! Straight on your head. And that just pushes the faith grave even deeper. Hats off to such friends who are existing in your life to make hell even worse for you. Like one fault after the other, one after the other, that pile just ends up on your head, injures you! Your body and your brain… So now ??? Now what ????? Forget door. There is not even a bloody window thats left now. Forget a full window, there is not even a cracked window pane to see through now…… And you know what are you expected after allllllllll this ???? TO UNDERSTAND!!!! To understand their problems, their issues, their troubles. Hello ? Am I invisible ???????? You use the body, you use the emotions, and the instead of understanding what might have went wrong, enters your problems, so you know f*** your problems and now, UNDERSTAND, and well if one day you are really firm about your decision and DONNOT UNDERSTAND, then well this entire stack of his issues will hurt you bad. For days, and guess what, you will then be forced to UNDERSTAND that too.! #frenemies

– R.H.S.

Ever wondered why I named myself as the “soultalker?” Because I thought that all that I had in me/in my soul, each and everything, I will draw it all here. The two forms of love, the partner love and the friend love and both are gone now. At least out of everything, this will be my space, my area, the only place where my sacred soul could rest for a while in all the hustle, but what happened, the Boyfriend is not even aware of the existence of such a place in this world and for the friend it was either not convincing enough so it wasn’t trusted at all or it was disrespected by him. So the Soul has slept off forever. Even beneath the faith ! The walls of my room have snatched it from me and kept it in themselves, I am sure even the walls will take better care of it after all. And I think it’s fine for my soul to travel and never find peace ever or sleep it off or whatever, God I really don’t care now. Shit I need to stop using his name now.

Combining both 1 and 2 , the reasons for my non-existence from now on is well explained I presume. I know that no one out here will also even realize that I left, just like I am the perfect person to be blocked out of people’s life, this another time, one more time.! Ah! What the hell. Carrying your body like a heavy metal is so exhausting is actually a self-realization every day.

I don’t know how life has got such a great sense of humor, but it just really gets you in the stomach and stabs the way to your spine to make you laugh out tears!

My dearest, my partner ended up becoming a friend first, then a boyfriend, and then an enemy and well my whatever friend(s), now only and only enemies!!!! Tough but I guess it’s now time for me to really understand that friends of any kind are not my cup of tea.

Never were, never will be!!!!!

And well when L.H.S. = R.H.S.

Then,

P ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~R~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~N

And this^ , this is the distance between ME! The BOYFRENEMY! And The FRENEMY!!!!

This is quite the figurative side of my distance with them when actually this entire blank space that is left in this page is less to define my distance with them!

So! GO! Increase the distance between us.

Follow your followers.

Don’t ever meet in between.

Don’t ever meet me in my sleep if I ever do.

Don’t try to enter the covers of my blanket.

Lets not tie us UP.

Don’t fill the empty blank.

Don’t bring the magnets to cherp.

And well in the end, it’s always YOU, ALONE who is left!

Hence,

Your’s Souldeadfully

-P