The Soul Stirring Slurp Of Lust

The stains of tears that are spread all over the bed that is perfectly made…

The accumulated breaths that find zero space to release in the air…

The stammering words that are too scared to spill your name…

The heated up soul that is burning all sensations inside out of you…

The sweat that is driving you passionately to mix up with the soup of that of his.. *slurrp*

The dried off lips which won’t light up even after gallons of water…

The feet that won’t hold the grip of the other during the peak of satisfaction…

The teeth that won’t bite on to the lips craving for more…

The “sigh…” which will never be of relief…

The hold that the body requires will now be out of control at all times…

Shouting out to his name during the course of action , is gone… It’s like I am yelling but the voice won’t budge… The movement of the lips is all that is visible but no sound… simply put , I am on mute…

The feeling of being born again,

Like all the sins being washed off,

Like you are recreated,

Or like a dead soul was brought back to life,

Like you were never this pure…

…is no more, so you have to live with the old, unpolished self… the lifeless self…

I find myself harshly moving my neck/face sharply in the left and right direction, kind of like I am banging it.., like my hands are tied and they are trying to set free, my legs alternatively sliding up and down,  first the left leg followed by the right one.. like my mouth is sealed so I can’t even cry for help, so my eyes .., they twitch so bad…, even my breathes shiver the in the middle of the night.. it is so powerful, the addiction to stir up in his fantasies pulls all the emotions out of me at once while the thirst of wanting his saliva right through the tiniest pores in my body never quenches… It’s a simultaneous process…

He keeps flashing in my closed, scared, quivering eyes, and if they accidentally open up, like even 1/3rd bit of it, all they see is a dark space, so I thought to keep the lights on through the nights, and yet I drastically failed, even after that, all I see is a dingy, dull, the darkest shade of grey place…

I want to be painted again.. Like I am his canvas.. I want all his colors to lubricate all over me.. I want to look like a beautiful abstract again.. I want to mix with all the paints he has got… I want to come out in the most amusing manner… the strokes of his fingers not missing a single part of me…, the juxtaposition of our souls in the most rhythmic manner… I want him to brush off all the flaws in me and replace them in whichever ones the way he wants… while making me feel like the most sensual thing lying in front of him, how great it would be if he uses a single color to fill up the path to my forehead…. *slurp*

I feel like being stitched to him.. like literally with pin and a thread…

I feel like getting my self a 100 running tattoos of his name all over my body probably then it might come to rest…

I feel like getting his finger prints stamped on my soul, maybe then it will start functioning…

I feel like getting the marks of his teeth, head to toe, in order to feel my existence, to realize that it wont be a dream at that point…

My stomach jumps.., my  heart beats like its going to come out.., my ears flood of blood..

I wish he could whisper love in them… I wish we could cuddle between the pillows of lust and love at the same time all the time and lie in bed for days….

He is like the ideal cards to my tarot reading and I want him spread them all over me…

Come .. come and embrace our stars together, collide our horoscope, blend our fortunes to eternity, let our bodies be free by caging to one another, let my hands only be tied to yours, let my soul breathe what you exhale, let the bed covers crush from all sides, let the tears flow while you suck them and make them yours..

Lets make a complete recipe book of the night that we share to stir all our spices in one go and make a delicious dish to be served hotter than hot and kill the hunger…

I Lust your Emotions

I Emote your Greed

I Love your Sensation

I Sense your Treat

Arms wide open, legs crossed… Oh Jesus, build some magic out of the symbol you died on to unite the distance between love and money that the world resides on….



(forever and always)



Competing With The Curfew!

The 11th hour! The most crucial time of all to pay attention to the unattained emotions. When the time is following you wherever you go.. The darkest nights with not a light to follow, a complete black out in front of your eyes.. You are impaired of all the possible reflexes.. The deadline.. Quite literally ———-

Like your soul has been ordered to be statue not knowing when will it be over! The preposterous regulations until dawn. The fall of your body along with that of the day. The spark that is lost. The dullness is the only thing constant….

Have no where to be. Even the candles wont last and blow off immediately, no source of light! Just the dark and you hear all kinds of stray mourning down the street. The scared heart to itself … No hope! The dying religion.. The falling leaves… The drained away beauty of the nature. Like the end of the world.

Where you can’t even recognize your close ones, the ones who love you, because its pitch-black. So you can’t see them! Even though they are there but you are so blinded by the obsession and depression and madness of the very silent yet a night that shouts out mites! The mites that will eat all of you and no one will know because everyone is indoor. The mites that will then be eaten by cats and in turn dogs and so on.. No one will ever know where you disappeared in the twilight and time will still travel and make its all the way through.

Getting back home is the best possible solution as one of you may debate, but where is home ?? What to do with a home that has no shelter, no roof, no food, no water. Nothing as basic as air.

He is Home!

I am the potential buyer.. In books, on paper, everywhere. It is where I belong. That is the only place out there to get me safe around all the curfew! Even in this darkest space, i am all dressed up, waiting for you, wanting to be undressed, to be crowned up. Nothing. Not even this night can take the beauty you see in me away . From an outer space, you will only see me lighted up for you.! Phew!!!!!

So yes, these arms, this body, even my hair, are not safe in this injunction till I am rescued home… I don’t wanna run away from this nasty little place for crying out loud. I wanna be a permanent resident here if its not for him.

What will be the point of all the gala ? The life ?? The lights ??? The muse ???? I as it is feel like walking dead in an even dead place. The more everyone around me gets invisible, the more visible my tears become to him. The sound of only my heart is audible in a rescript.

SIGNALING : I keep sending him all kinds of signals through the breath I take, the fingers I move while writing this, the legs that are too restless to walk, the eyes that are getting closer to close by the day, the machine inside of me that roars his name, the lips that are let dry. Even the nails on my fingers are only growing for the hope to reach him and get that touch after all.

In the world that is getting older, my love for you is only getting younger by the day. When the most negative environment can’t let my feelings down for you, then I don’t know what will. I throw splashes of water on me after all the dirt that gets in the pores of my skin after a long day everyday, and now I have even started hating that. I don’t even want water to touch any of me. Nothing can except you….!

The organs that are alive in such a ruthless condition are only because you touched them at some point. The alarms are always on, so close to my brain, but the only voice that enchants straight up is that of your’s!

The very reason why my heart is still functioning is because of this one thing that i realized quite recently. It being : YOU!

YOU ARE THE BIRTHMARK TO MY HEART. The very core of it. Exactly why the curfew couldn’t harm it or me. I have you inside of me R! There is nothing less or nothing more that I would ever want in addition to it.

I wish that all my signals some day some how reach you very soon and you get me out of the time that keeps laughing at me, the darkness that keeps hiding me, the thunder that keeps haunting me, The CURFEW that keeps killing me.

Probably it just wanted me to get to you before the world around me blacked out. Probably your cocoon was the best place to be in before it hit me. Probably I should’ve been home (YOU) on time. Probably……

Your mark all over me and my birth in this universe are co-related.

Curfew locks up all the doors in me , but the one for you will always be open.


Just. Come.


The Weightage Of The Wait..

Maximum Marks : 10000

No. Of Questions : 10000

Each Question : 1 mark

All Questions are compulsory

Each Question has an Option . Tough call on which one to chose

Time Limit : LIFE!

Each question comprises of the following :

(i) Burden/Pressure

(ii) Anxiety

(iii) Pain

(iv) Shattered moist liquid down the eyes

(v) Tension

One Question Paper everyday till he comes back!

So this would practically mean that 10000 questions multiplied by 5, which means a set of 50,000 parts of my brain/body and soul, for each day. 2 months and 2 weeks for now which means 50,000 multiplied by 93,000,000 and even this number seems less with the amount of weight I feel on my soul. Why so rotten ? Why so hollow ? Why so enormously painful this weight! Its the kind of weight thats digging me down inside the floor.

Like that bucket thats always tied around a well, which is thrown down to bring the water for consumable purposes, the only difference here being that I am carrying the weight around, I am the one drowning in that well and I am the one being consumed! Such heroic multi-purposes by one soul without a substitute is draining all the energy away.

The Weight is Aging (weight-age) and so am I but waiting for him still feels so freshly wounded. Like it was just scratched through my veins. And the blood still has miles to flow.

It already is over-weight but still keeps gaining more of it and can be measured by time at any point. More time would mean more weight! wait! Its like a malnutrition labour carrying hell load of bricks to a building is so taller than The Empire State Building, but imagine some one who is fed with no food or water for several days, except the mixture of the sweat. blood and tears that enter through the lips, how far off can that person carry those bricks to make the architecture look flawless???? But she still does, she does

For the wait is the beauty of their Love.

For the weight will make her to the top in all the exams.

For the wait is pure.

For the weight will set them free.

For the wait that will actually make them wait for a moment there and hug!

For the weight will mean adding more weight to their Love.

For the wait will lead us to a Happy Beginning.

For the weight on his shoulder will only be me, my arms around them and him carrying me.

For the weight , will brings out body weights together!

But for how much longer is the weight going to age ??? I don’t want it to grow. I don’t want it to live. I wish it dies and so does the distance that prevails between your eyes and mine. I wish that I could match our footprints from the time when they were seperating .. I wish I could collect all that sand as a difference between us and reach out to you !

The wait has the weightage of the investment of my entire universe, my galaxy, my inner core, my deepest scars, my loneliest night, my low bow, my even heavier breathes, the breathes that are too difficult to take now, the jitters in the worst way possible, my hormones that keep switching like a fluctuated bulb, my temper that goes out every other second, my so called patience that has never been more impatient before, the rains that are too afraid to touch me, the winds that can’t slide through me, the fits in my soul that are alarmed every time my phone pings for a sight of your message, the membrane that is now only traveling through my emotions, the trip that is nauseating to even think of sleeping!

I promise you that there is more to it. Just the words in my brain seem to stop since it already is carrying a lot of weight which absolutely can’t wait now.

Will you just show up from somewhere now ?????

I don’t know if it will require a magic trick for you to pop-up but just come already. The tears are building an ocean now..

Always know that the one whole sole reason for my soul to be fond of this weight of wait is because it is for YOU. At least it has you in some form.


And the one time i wish i could’ve ever used this word right was when you turned around to leave … R???? WAIT !!!!!!!!!!





Dictionary Meaning Of Being Fine


Making my soul live forcefully now, the air that resides within the soul is going through asthma it seems! The puff can only be found in his breath now!! The nose can’t smell a thing anymore, nor can the eyes see colors, the taste buds have bid adieu too.. It’s like they always had a password : his smell, his eyes deep right into mine, his lips respectively. I feel numb. The only place where I want my eyes to live in are the tears now. Yes you read that right. The body to live in the soul. Rain to come from the grass. Sun to come in the night. Walk backwards. Swim in the dessert. Basically want the impossible to happen! I already am drowning inside of me the deepest of the oceans rather that getting drowned in one myself.

When the more you drink water, the more thirsty you get! The more you sleep, the more sleepy you are. The more you try to stay strong, the weaker you get. The more patience you hold on to, the more anxious you get. The more you hold on to those tears, the more the flow from those pupils. The more you run, the further the destination gets from you. The more you paint, the more colors fade away from your life. The more you sing, you lose the vocal cords down your throat. The more you try to fly, the more you fall. The more you claim that you are alright, but you are not! The more you live, the more you want to die! That’s being FINE!

Imagine a bullet, passing straight through you but still not killing you or a big fall but still not hitting the ground because the pain wins over gravity or being eaten by a shark but still wanting to get out to reach him ~ That’s just fine. Because even if you are encountered by any of these, you won’t be as harmed as you are at this moment. 

Being Fine is like a fine on your own self. A fine that includes all sorts of taxes , that is so expensive that no amount of money can pay it. Its like going to the most expensive hotel and eating the most expensive food and throwing up all over but yeah you got to pay the bill.! So, you are not fine, but still you pay that fine. Exactly like right now! I don’t feel like talking, smiling, getting up, moving, even the slightest movement in my body kind of kills me, I don’t even want to breathe, but I gotta, because it’s fine!

The precision of the whole scenario is so well embroidered that it looks the prettiest thing on the outside but who knows what amount of pins, and knitting has gotten into it to make it look that way! Foe hours, days and months, it was worked on. All sorts of pointy pins were inserted in it to look that way, but it’s fine if it looks that way! Ehh?

I feel worst than that lamb thats cut during the festivities of Eid, at least it’s fed well enough to be eaten, I’m like so weak but still the surroundings are eating me up but its Fine as long as I am not complaining, wow!

“I’m going to go, and make everything Fine.” He said

“Our future will be Fine too.” He emphasized

Is it ?????

No! It’s an illusion. The most unexplained word in English language that has surpassed all the attacks of emotions since the evolution of mankind. It has done a lot of damage and today I feel like the biggest victim of the same.

I feel like I am wrapped in a curtain and I can’t find the opening of it and I am stuck but it’s fine because no one cares. Like I am holding a candle and the hot wax is falling all over my hand but i need to provide the light so its fine. Like i am the fire, burning houses, but its fine because thats what i do… It’s simply fine!

Similarly, I am so further away from you but it’s fine because I have no way out but to live with it . Wrong! I can die. 

But then, when you are really helped out of the process. Gestured and for one second out there, you are really fine! You feel precious! You feel worth something! It won’t really make you feel that way for more than a second but that second might just be enough. Enough to make it through your day, through this post and through the very image of this post.


You need to FIND me in order to make it all FINE! This pain is so exhausting that if it was really for me, the word Fine would’ve lost its life from the dictionary. Its the most understated, negative, the word that leads to the maximum number of mis understandings in this world.!!!!!

It is just getting into fashion now. It comes with various emoticons to look even better but the more add ons to it, make it worse! Sometimes it tries to fool you really bad but its a warning for all to not fall for it at any point in time. Its the biggest lie of the century trust me!

Being really fine is only going to happen in your arms, because that is going to last for all the remaining seconds in my life! For that will hold us still! For that will make me be happy for once and for all and that might be the time for me to register this very word in my name :



Bluffing Smiles :’)

The accidental smile or a quick laugh that happens in a day , when while at it, you lips hurt and so does your jaw punishing you for daring to do that, when while doing so, you just stop abruptly, thinking twice that that’s not what you are supposed to do because deep within that soul, there is this treasure of sadness that weighs too much to handle a single smile a day but unfortunately you got to bring it on because you are just not ready for the questions that might pop up from around, the strength to deal with that is more than horrifying, so you end up doing what you are the best at: Bluffing!

The fearless fake smile that stands out, everyone too occupied to swim down the sorrow that resides in the eyes so they buy that ridiculously plastic smile that has been through shit loads of crappy emotions inside.

What do you think that particular smile is made of ?? Blood, tears, hatred, pressure, fears, trauma, unfulfilled dreams, insults, mental illness, dullness, extravagant dead soul, false hopes, sickness.. this and more than this is what comprises that one smile that comes out! I fail to understand how it makes it’s way out in public inspite of the package!^

I don’t want to make it a part of my life, even if it requires no taxes, I’ll pay plenty to not to do so ever again. Even the blood that flows out as tears does no harm to me or anyone around me, it gives me a high! The feeling of slowly losing him with a blend of the outflow of such saddened emotions is what gets me through the day. The smiles on the other hand gives me reasons to die


Its like really punishing myself. I have darker dreams for me now. The smile deteriorates my willingness to live. Thats not what is the plan right now. Its a punishment to do so without him. ! How can I in his absence?? Its him who made me aware of the happiness so i can’t.

One day I might not be able to please anyone, because the smile just won’t come out, already the tension between me and the smile is increasing everyday!

What are my thoughts while I am on it ?? From the outside I might be having that (accidental) smile, but from the inside, I feel like punching my teeth out, not one should be left in there, tearing every bit of those lips that lead to it, shit I want to smash my cheek bones against a knife or something, in fact the literal feeling asks me to cut my neck off apart with an arc! Thats what I really want to do.

I haven’t even come to the worse part yet which is that the people around me, actually think that I am happy, there is a river inside me that can explode like a tsunami any second now and they really think that i am happy! huh! They think that a smile or a bit of laughter might make me feel better but they can’t be more wrong , they say that a little laughter increases the blood within you but what they don’t know is that this act might lead to the loss of blood in my system!

What the heck is the meaning of this smile without you R ? Nothing! Give me one reason why I should be doing it more often ?? The very reason to my smile is miles apart so then why ??? Why should i pressure myself so much for a stupid extension of the lips ??? The genuine one wont come out any way so then why ???? I feel like there is this creature living inside me, eating everything inside me, making my structure hollow and leaving me in pieces to fix. In all this, who can even think of being happy ???

I am not even left with my own self anymore to help myself. How will God help me ? How will anyone help me ??

Its like, every second that i am “living” right now is an obligation. I don’t want anything without you damit, not even the sorrow for crying out loud. Even that is easier to handle in your presence.

I don’t know when will i speak to you . I don’t know when will i see you. I don’t know when will i touch you, I don’t know when will I hug you. I don’t know when will I look in those eyes and shatter my emotions, I don’t know when will I get the chance of even seeing you from a distance, I don’t know when will I hold that hand for just a second, I don’t know when will I make a nice clean bed with you to lay on it . I don’t know when…..

But I can only hope that I live long enough to do all the above and share the purest form of laughter with you for real! Not fake it! Just YOU!!!!!

Let my smile be directly proportional to your’s again once and for all….

And up till then ,


Because this is the one place where I won’t fake a single thing….

Always know that my one fake smile is hiding a million tears!

And i am going to fake this smile for a 1000 miles till I reach you!

I am living the biggest challenge of smiling with tears in my eyes … and you know my eyes …? You remember them ??? They are turning from light brown to darkest grey because no light is restoring the spark in them!


Bring these names together to bring my smile back!

Imprisonment Of The Soul..

How do I start ? Where do I go ?? Who is going to listen to the voice I raise ??? The head that I break on every wall that has me???? The help I cry out for ??? The tears I take in.. The sweat that scrolls through the soul… The insects all around., the cockroaches, the lizards, that crawl on my whole body at night… The pealed off skin that has dried out now.. Where do I take the traces of this blood out of the four walls that contain me ? How do I escape when I am so trapped ?????

It was his heart that I was trapped in once upon a time, I was the queen there, it was the best place to live and love in. So red yet so calm in the soul. I could swim through the oceans of blood that flowed in there, I would drink it. And his blood tasted like heaven, like someone had brought me happy tears of God to taste. That was my way of living, and today I am behind the bars of a cactus.

Like every where I see are thorns. I feel like rubbing it/scratching it real bad against my face, cut my hair down, slice my body apart, break my nails off, rip the soul apart, twist the neck to 180 degree, and not ouch post that. Its a trap , a trap which no magic spell can break.!

Sometimes is all water in here, my tears fill the entire area in this prison and I keep drowning in it for hours.. At the same time, it is full of filth and the splashes of the dirt reck my face down. I hold on to my hair from both ends and pull them apart while i scream, but not a single soul is present out there to feel what i have got.

I try to fly but fall within seconds down right on the floor to hurt my deepest wound in my soul.

I pick up a paper, and a black crayon, and all that I do it color each and every spot of every page black. I do it with all the pressure, not s single white line that is left out. I keep doing it for days without realizing the presence of my own heart. I draw the eyes that are now stones that keep colliding with each other to make a loud noise. Everything in here is black, the wall, the notebook, the bars i hold on to, the roof, the floor, my face. I have colored that black too. Its like a re-birth in his absence.

Outside this prison , through the bars, all i see is a desk thats lying out and it has a phone kept on it. For hours, I find my self staring at it for his call, his message. I don’t think that his calls ever get through. Wish he calls, I will break all the barriers to reach his vibrations and in turn bring the vibration in my soul back.

For now, I have written his name all over my body with the black and a tinge of the blood that keeps dripping and use the tears that fall to make the colors look subtle. The walls have him, my soul has him!

Imagine being stuck in this empty jet black room for life!!!! It would be thrilling isn’t it ? I sleep in here with no clothes on imagine his name on my body is the only thing that shines in the dark . Just the body that is good for nothing anymore. So dark, just like the kajal that has wiped off my eyes, i look like a ghost while sleeping . I wake up to the noise of the drops of blood falling on the floor and the mosquitos that eat my ear up.

Then there are times when i want to light this dorm up, setting a fire here sometime would be a good option to my imagination. The black will turn to gold just like me when i come in contact to him. Hugging the fire would even give me a company.

I don’t feel the mornings or nights over here because there is no window, not even a hole to look outside. So i just sit in the corner on the floor and count the number of breaths i take in a day hoping that counting them will reduce its number the next day, i smell my blood and that gives me a high because it contains him.

I also feel like cutting my fingers down now. One by one , slowly and gradually! They got over  long time ago when i started counting the number of days since he left of the States, but now they disappoint me since he hasn’t shown up yet…

There is no air here, which is good, reduces my strength to inhale the oxygen! No food, defuses the energy! My body that has been kept in it from so long is now numb to the core. Get it anything and it will convert it into the syndrome of deficit love.

The place is opaque of black , i see nothing, i don’t know the address of this place even, my phone can’t be tracked, so whom should i count on ? Will he ever come and visit me ??? Will he ever bail me out of here ??? Will this re-birth be worth it ? Will the pain ease off ???

Will i be back to the imprisonment behind his soul bars, or will i be hanged to death in this space?????

Gimps of one of my obsession here in black of course :

  1. I miss you
  2. I love you
  3. I miss you
  4. I love you
  5. I miss you
  6. I love you 
  7. I miss you
  8. I love you
  9. I miss you
  10. I love you
  11. I miss you
  12. I love you
  13. I miss you
  14. I love you 
  15. I miss you
  16. I love you
  17. .
  18. ..
  19. ….
  20. ..
  21. ….
  22. ..
  23. ..
  24. ..
  25. ..
  26. ..
  27. . I’d die without you






10,000. … ‘(


– (PR)

Encrypted Sacred Scars

A feeling when you can actually sleep with the eyes open… Lying down without a movement, eyes wide open without a blink but so numb, its like you are deep asleep but still the mind is so exhausted… So tired to even blink for one second… Like the tiniest movement will hurt your soul… Like there is just no will to even breathe, so you are not even sure if you are doing that.. Sometimes, I literally forget to do that too… And suddenly when I feel choked, it automatically comes in, I am not fond of breathing at times now…. But there are certain reflexes that you can’t get rid of like crying any second of the day, sometimes without the tears, its like the tears are competing with the seconds that are passing by in his absence.. Today my eyes were so red, that at one point it seemed that i was crying of blood…. no kidding! They turn black to at times because of the dirt inside me that is growing each day…. The only wish that my tears have each day are to be equal to the number of seconds from dusk to dawn.

A vision that is so blur. I thought that the eyes get clearer with the tears flowing out of it, but guess I was so wrong, the more i cry, the more blind-sighted is what I feel. I can’t see him. Literally a feeling of being blocked out of his life. Like I was knocking on the door I thought that belonged to him but he smashed it on my face, sometimes he dint respond. I kept standing there on his doorstep , I slept there, I even prayed there, like it was the door to my God but I was abandoned like a child whose parents are not ready for her yet. So I was just thrown on the road for any one to come and take me…

They crossed by me, 100s of people everyday, they looked at me but all they could see were bruises all over me. From top to bottom, there were scars, there was blood and no beauty at all… They were not even ready to step on me now, probably they were scared to dirty their shoes. I felt like that piece of cow dung that is just lying outside and is only cared by flies. I was stinking and there was a major eclipse happening , I thought that it was a sign by universe for me to deteriorate with it….

In the mean while, what I fell in love with was the beauty of the scars.. The were so black and blue that they perfectly described the shade of my heart. They were so painful, perfectly describing the condition of my soul. They were so ugly at the same time, describing my life without him, the pain was so soothing, I had never thought I would be so into it. My fingers are bruised too and typing every word out here is killing them all, but its so fun at the same time because I am not even able to realize that its there anymore.. One thing that I love the most about them is that they are all encrypted in his memories….. So, one thing was clear that either I will have him or I will have the pain, Life chose pain for me… But what it din’t realize while doing so was that, the pain in it self is full of him. It has him all over it. So even the pain can’t take him away from me..

Hence, I don’t want them to heal, they are keeping him alive in me. They are racing with him but what they don’t know is that still the pain of not having him will win over these beautiful marks that are causing the pain all through my body.

These blemishes are so many now that I can build an eighth wonder of the world for him with them. It will be remember for generations and generations to with the hope that the future of Love is not this hard to achieve. The piece of art would be everything that Love can contain, it will not just be the beauty of affection and drama and what the two bodies hold, but it will also have the utmost beauty of the pain that comes with it and that even that pain can get one so much pleasure, like there is no YOU without it. With that it will hold all the meaning that every tears has in it. Every piece of heart that feels what when it has him or doesn’t have him. What a comparison it will be to the sight! *SIGH* From birth to death what his love has been doing to me will be the ultimate motto of that piece to show. The urge in the souls, the madness in the eyes, the purity of the smiles, the sorrow in the heart, the jump of the beats in the heart when they come together. And oh! It will be of the exact dimension of the distance between US!!!!



So even if he kicks me right now, oh how i would love the imprints of his shoes on my face at this time, or throws more trash at me, I will treasure it, or if he spits at me, will gulp it, all I care for is a glance of him that will keep the seconds of my day rollin’

The loneliness has scattered to each part inside me and thats the only thing I can’t take right now , it might become a cause to my separation with the world. So I can take a whole new disposal of waste, of the punches, of the words in the worst way possible by you honey, but this I can’t.

Being locked out of the door by you is like waiting for death. That it can come in any second.

There is not a single space left on my body where there is not scar, and thats okay because they have happened in the process of missing you and i can keep begging you for this day in and day out but please open the doors now.

If there is any mistake that I have done, punish me as bad as you want to but take me inside your home now. I will do anything to get in, I will wash, clean, take care of anything that you want. Get rid of my biggest fears, get a cat. Even if it takes to drink the pee you hold, I will as holy water but I just can’t be an outsider anymore. I will be your slave for life I promise but i hope that you are not doing something out there that we would regret all our lives….

Its been exactly two months today that you left for States and exactly the time I had prepared my self for and both fortunately and unfortunately today was the day you were to come back. Unfortunate because the day when the distance between us was going to get zero, I feel further away than ever. Its just you who can heal the scars through me permanently..

With every tear that has scrolled down while writing this has only increased the pain, so before it wins with time, I won’t order you to today, but ask you with both my hands joined that, Can you win through them all ?? Can you win my heart ??? And I will make 1000 more marks on my body if that is what will make you mine…

Will wait for the door to open for my scars to get the air it wants to be healed..

The only scar I want encrypted all over me is YOU!!!!!! And that would be as pure as the deepest pearl in the shell of an ocean…






Bucket fills

Next Bucket

Drill repeats




Ocean fills

Drill Repeats





The Border Of Freedom!

A wish to fly, to be free, the smell of independence, such a merry 2 days ago! What a celebration! The colors that hold India, the undying spirit, the thrill, the vibes that brought the entire nation one, the sky having all kinds of colors, the madness, the kites wanting to go beyond the sky, the love for the country, ..

Yet not powerful enough to set me out of the cage!

In all the celebration, the twitching of the wings wanting to get out of that cage was like slow death. Wanting to get out of there and step closer to the border in need of reaching out to him was more towards being independent.. , so much for the tenor of Independence!!

Yet I felt like I was residing in the painting of some artist!

Like the only place I was happy in was someone’s drawing in some part of the world, because he kept me right next to him and thats all. Trapped in that art work! Still! No movement! Probably a drop of paint trickling down my eyes that went un noticed in all the other colors that were being celebrated that day!!!

Yet I felt like a mannequin outside a well lit fashion store!

When everyone stepped in to shop for the festivities, I stood there tricolored, wearing the zeal all over myself, but unachievable, the entire world came in, but my freedom didn’t. So I stood there expressionless between all the smiles. Some wanted to take the clothes off of me, but no one wanted to take me home!!!!

Yet I felt like a television per say!

Projecting so many emotions of sovereignty, of liberalization in 100’s of channels that switched through me but still couldn’t project that one particular emotion I actually possessed.

Yet I feel like a scar !!! A big scar on someone’s wrist probably ..

So stable yet the only thing that has a free flow through it is blood ! It’s not the scar is at one place just like my body but the blood flows just like the rush inside me. Regaining and reliving the spirits of Independence for crying out loud.

And how could I ? He was not a part of the country’s freedom that day so how could I even think of being a part of the same ??? How can my country be free if its not for him ??? I cancelled it out. I was feeling more of a slave than ever. Suppressed by the pressure of celebration .

What is Independence I asked? How exactly was our country free ?? The population of India doesn’t even have the freedom to be happy when they want to, not beg if they don’t want to, not go to the office next day if they don’t want to, not get sick if they don’t want to, not hold a grudge against each other , not split if they don’t want to. In my case, marry the one I really want to. We are all just slaves to something or someone somewhere so why fake the freedom ???? What is it that we are free from ???? The expenses each day kill us, so does the heat! I mean just wanting to put up a perfect show for the sake of freedom ate me up the entire month prior to the dam day at school. So ? Is this a healthy freedom? I doubt.


Conclusion 1 : The freedom is only present in the womb of a mother is what I conclude looking at it all, because you have no idea what you are gonna get into the second you get out of there, out of the closed freedom. In the books you might be getting yourself free but according to me, you are just entering the subjection. Thats the place where the actual freedom lies.

I felt thoroughly bad from deep within when I looked at the army of soldiers, not just that day but every time when I do. They are away from their loved ones, not even so much as even a contact with them for months, their wives, children, fighting! How and what makes them do so ??? They are the only ones that are actually born with super-natural powers! Not batman or superman. They are doing all this for the sound sleep of people they don’t even know or will not probably ever meet. So my salute to them. Living away from the family is something I don’t think any of us can even think of.

Conclusion 2 : When you enter this world, the next place for me to find freedom would be his arms, when he holds me in his arms, thats the tightest freedom I could ever imagine. Not even clothes binding us. Just the bodies coming together so stiff that even the air can’t pass through, thats the suffocating freedom I love. Sweating through it… Not having such a feeling from months/years is something that always admired me of them, so a big salute to the army^

I felt like a handicapped personnel myself in the urge to fight the border to get through him. I wanted to break all the barriers that came in between for the freedom I craved for. I wanted to jump that border to get to his arms of freedom. I would use all the weapons that I possibly could to get there, I would be the one man army to the Independence of my dependence. For how long should I keep sitting on the border through all the weathers that change and no food ? I want to break it all to get to you in any way possible now.. I can’t take this war any more.

Time to team up! Time to be together on any one side of the border! USA has had their freedom and so has India this year..

Yet we haven’t secured that of ours being very much a part of so.

So what kind of freedom was it till our souls are not set free from within ????

An a’R’my to ‘P’eace is what I oath for this In”dependence!”

Let the power of love overcome the love of power!

Cross the border and come to your family my soldier 🇮🇳  ♥️ 🇺🇸


The Chaotic Echoes

Riding somewhere between all The hustle! The mess! The Chaos! The tension! The cynical mind set! The rush! The crowd! The surroundings of the atmosphere that are so suffocating that all you can feel are drops of sweat sliding down your veins, leading to the heart and becoming a slow poison to your soul, The sounds in your head! The noise! The thoughts! The pressure! The feeling that you are literally throwing up in your head! So hammered! The Echo! The precision of the excruciating knock in there that you are constantly having in a day, has made me a lifeless soul! Weak in the legs, moist in the eyes, lose in the arms, and dull in the body kind of a person.

The jammed from top to bottom of the body that you have got to live with. Rust consuming the whole system, no space for any movement even for one second. The maddening mind full of thoughts that are eating you up pretty good. No! It doesn’t stop reverberating for one drop dead second. So harsh. Continuously ringing. Not letting you concentrate. Ending up making you a psychopath whom no one can help!


All you can hear all day is the bang! How do I lift it off ??? How do I unload the piled up thoughts in my warehouse ????? How do i calculate the cost its costing me to have them up there ???? What about the depreciation that its causing ???? Who is maintaing the accounts that i am accounted to ????? Why does it feel like a shit load of debt in here ???  Where does all the packaged material go ??? The ones that have not been explored yet ????


Should I call in for bull dozers with all sorts of tools to cut my head off already ???? Or should I let the deadly thoughts make me a maniac and do nothing about it at all ???? Where do I go ???? Where do I find just the right amount of rest ???? Why are the alarms alarming my soul in the worst way possible ?????


Its wondrous that there is not so much as a pause button up there either! Its a constant play that has been hit and some virus has attacked it so traumatically that now it can’t be controlled. The more I control it, the more it gets affected by that dreadful virus. The system is probably hacked and I definitely have no control over it !!!!


Every word of what I have written so far is so literal in the meaning that even while I am here trying to rip it off of my brain, it still is blabbering non-stop in my tiny little room up there!!!!! I know it. I know the reason why this shitty little surface is punishing me for. And why not ??? Its punishing me for letting the boy leave for an imaginative dusty future that is yet to come in exchange of the present that is at this moment. This is why there is no solution to the disease in my head. This is why my heart is swelled of all the crying. This is why even in the most peaceful places that i go to, all i can listen to is the chaos in my head. It is now breaking all the doors to the tiniest bit positive left. The residue is falling off. My soul is horrified.


Now, imagine the Pain! Just imagine the amount of it in my head all the time. No medicine or anything is able to cure it. The only cure would be his voice in my ears, his lips on my forehead! oh! how i miss it. His fingers pushing just the right buttons on my head. His counseling… Uggh! The list is endless. AND YET IMAGINE BEING BLANK AT ALL TIMES…

I want to embrace you in my brain to get rid of the filthy mind-f**king crap that is growing by the day and I see no stopping it. Our future will always remain in our future, its time to hold the present and make the most out of it.

Honestly you know, I knew it. I knew how tough it will be when you are gone, but this tough, its like i have ended up becoming the worst enemy of my own here without you. Shit! So much of importance you hold in my life that i would really love to not hold my breath as much as i want to hold you in my arms right now. Don’t keep me hanging to these thoughts., its risky out there!!

The Chaotic Echoes haunt me. They haunt me in the most spine-tingling manner. The most monstrous manner. From Life to death. Its all in my head in the most nerve-racking possible manner.



Burst this balloon of thoughts and convert the sweaty tears to joy that tickles!

P (screaming) R!!!!




Togetherness Of Separation

Like the Stars above…. together to the naked eyes, yet so further away from each other in reality!

Like the Dreams…. right there in our eyes, yet the most difficult to catch!

Like Art Work… on the canvas, yet too pretty to be true!

Like the Oceans…. so deep, yet on the surface level!

Like the Mountains…. the top most, yet not enough to touch the sky!

Like the Clouds… grey/white, yet too afraid to turn blue!

Like Music… melodious, yet enough to pinch the ears!

Like Tears…. transparent, yet the most visible!


Why can’t one be inspired by the Rain??? It travels the farthest distance i.e., between the sky and the ground, yet never fails to bring them together. Its like the only thing common between the two. It holds them like a thread too pure. It never gives up. Pours itself to the maximum strength it has..

Why can’t one be like Autumn??? The fall ???? The LEAVES, inspite of falling down, makes the most beautiful sight to watch! Till the second it hits the ground to its last breath, it LEAVES colors all over the place. Getting separated by the trees, yet spreading the joy.

Why can’t one be like Storm ???? So powerful, yet too weak to bring people together! It tries all that is in its strength to move everything apart, but what if we are wrong ??? Probably its nature’s way to bring US together ! Probably its just moving the distance between YOU and ME.

Why can’t we be inspired by the Roots ???? It is never able to even see whats growing on it, yet too selfless to transfer growth to the branches! Why ??????

Why is everyone becoming more like Distance ????? Why are we so fond of it that we are letting it grow ????? Why not cut it short rather than increasing it ???


Is the closeness that our souls hold, are turning weak inspite of being the most dedicated of all in our bodies? What is happening to us ???? Why can’t I find even a clue to this Distance ???


Why are we being so tough to find a solution to ??

The Separation of the Present! The Togetherness of the Past!

Don’t know what the future is going to hold for us. What combination will it be….

Imagine a Bird, losing it’s feathers! Its like losing what it’s made for. The will to fly. So high! Are you going to feel bad if birds can’t ever fly?? Or Winds that can’t ever blow?? Or Peace that is never achieved ??? Or flowers that don’t ever blossom ??? Or butterflies with no color ???? Or Violin with no sound ???? Or Dancing to no beats ???? Or Theatre and no drama ???



Being a victim of hicran over here!.. Turn it into a vuslat.

Why are we getting so lost in this separation that togetherness is a word without meaning ??? Even the term is losing its significance.

Imagine the notebooks I doodle US on. All of them, with pens of all colors, you don’t even know exist. Thats how separated we are.

Imagine the number of times I blink my eyes during a day, and how every  time if find you in that blink. You don’t know that, thats how separated we are.

Imagine the number of speed bumps my car hits a day, and how every time I am only able to cross it smooth because I think of you, but do you know that ? No! Thats how separated we are.

Imagine how with every bite that i eat and every sip of water that i need to consume in a day, I know i can go without it if i have you. But you have zero realization of that. Thats how separated we are.

Imagine how every morning/every night, is only dedicated to you in my head, it some times makes it difficult for me to even breathe, but do you know how much i love it ? Na.. Thats how separated we are.!

Imagine how when every single time i look at myself, at every place on my face or my body, I feel how you have touched me every where and I share the same color as you, I fall in love with myself, so can you really imagine how much i would be loving you ? NOPE! Thats how separated we are.

I never have words enough to describe what I have inside of ME for YOU, yet these words come to bring us closer to each other, but are WE ?


Lets break the break-up of patching us up!

Lets separate the detachment and attach us up!

Bring me back my fallen wings drowning in the tears leaving my eyes!

By all means..

-LOVE … too tiny of a word, yet too vast to be explained!

P ❤ R