A feeling when you can actually sleep with the eyes open… Lying down without a movement, eyes wide open without a blink but so numb, its like you are deep asleep but still the mind is so exhausted… So tired to even blink for one second… Like the tiniest movement will hurt your soul… Like there is just no will to even breathe, so you are not even sure if you are doing that.. Sometimes, I literally forget to do that too… And suddenly when I feel choked, it automatically comes in, I am not fond of breathing at times now…. But there are certain reflexes that you can’t get rid of like crying any second of the day, sometimes without the tears, its like the tears are competing with the seconds that are passing by in his absence.. Today my eyes were so red, that at one point it seemed that i was crying of blood…. no kidding! They turn black to at times because of the dirt inside me that is growing each day…. The only wish that my tears have each day are to be equal to the number of seconds from dusk to dawn.
A vision that is so blur. I thought that the eyes get clearer with the tears flowing out of it, but guess I was so wrong, the more i cry, the more blind-sighted is what I feel. I can’t see him. Literally a feeling of being blocked out of his life. Like I was knocking on the door I thought that belonged to him but he smashed it on my face, sometimes he dint respond. I kept standing there on his doorstep , I slept there, I even prayed there, like it was the door to my God but I was abandoned like a child whose parents are not ready for her yet. So I was just thrown on the road for any one to come and take me…
They crossed by me, 100s of people everyday, they looked at me but all they could see were bruises all over me. From top to bottom, there were scars, there was blood and no beauty at all… They were not even ready to step on me now, probably they were scared to dirty their shoes. I felt like that piece of cow dung that is just lying outside and is only cared by flies. I was stinking and there was a major eclipse happening , I thought that it was a sign by universe for me to deteriorate with it….
In the mean while, what I fell in love with was the beauty of the scars.. The were so black and blue that they perfectly described the shade of my heart. They were so painful, perfectly describing the condition of my soul. They were so ugly at the same time, describing my life without him, the pain was so soothing, I had never thought I would be so into it. My fingers are bruised too and typing every word out here is killing them all, but its so fun at the same time because I am not even able to realize that its there anymore.. One thing that I love the most about them is that they are all encrypted in his memories….. So, one thing was clear that either I will have him or I will have the pain, Life chose pain for me… But what it din’t realize while doing so was that, the pain in it self is full of him. It has him all over it. So even the pain can’t take him away from me..
Hence, I don’t want them to heal, they are keeping him alive in me. They are racing with him but what they don’t know is that still the pain of not having him will win over these beautiful marks that are causing the pain all through my body.
These blemishes are so many now that I can build an eighth wonder of the world for him with them. It will be remember for generations and generations to with the hope that the future of Love is not this hard to achieve. The piece of art would be everything that Love can contain, it will not just be the beauty of affection and drama and what the two bodies hold, but it will also have the utmost beauty of the pain that comes with it and that even that pain can get one so much pleasure, like there is no YOU without it. With that it will hold all the meaning that every tears has in it. Every piece of heart that feels what when it has him or doesn’t have him. What a comparison it will be to the sight! *SIGH* From birth to death what his love has been doing to me will be the ultimate motto of that piece to show. The urge in the souls, the madness in the eyes, the purity of the smiles, the sorrow in the heart, the jump of the beats in the heart when they come together. And oh! It will be of the exact dimension of the distance between US!!!!
IMAGINE EVERYTHING MADE OF MY SACRED SCARS. THEY ARE SACRED FOR A REASON, THE REASON BEING THAT THEY HAPPENED IN THE PROCESS OF MISSING HIM. THAT THEY BELONG TO HIM. THAT THEY HIS SCENT. THE MAGIC.
THE BLOOD THAT I FEEL RUSHING THROUGH EVERY BRUISE BELONGS TO ONLY AND ONLY HIM.
So even if he kicks me right now, oh how i would love the imprints of his shoes on my face at this time, or throws more trash at me, I will treasure it, or if he spits at me, will gulp it, all I care for is a glance of him that will keep the seconds of my day rollin’
The loneliness has scattered to each part inside me and thats the only thing I can’t take right now , it might become a cause to my separation with the world. So I can take a whole new disposal of waste, of the punches, of the words in the worst way possible by you honey, but this I can’t.
Being locked out of the door by you is like waiting for death. That it can come in any second.
There is not a single space left on my body where there is not scar, and thats okay because they have happened in the process of missing you and i can keep begging you for this day in and day out but please open the doors now.
If there is any mistake that I have done, punish me as bad as you want to but take me inside your home now. I will do anything to get in, I will wash, clean, take care of anything that you want. Get rid of my biggest fears, get a cat. Even if it takes to drink the pee you hold, I will as holy water but I just can’t be an outsider anymore. I will be your slave for life I promise but i hope that you are not doing something out there that we would regret all our lives….
Its been exactly two months today that you left for States and exactly the time I had prepared my self for and both fortunately and unfortunately today was the day you were to come back. Unfortunate because the day when the distance between us was going to get zero, I feel further away than ever. Its just you who can heal the scars through me permanently..
With every tear that has scrolled down while writing this has only increased the pain, so before it wins with time, I won’t order you to today, but ask you with both my hands joined that, Can you win through them all ?? Can you win my heart ??? And I will make 1000 more marks on my body if that is what will make you mine…
Will wait for the door to open for my scars to get the air it wants to be healed..
The only scar I want encrypted all over me is YOU!!!!!! And that would be as pure as the deepest pearl in the shell of an ocean…