Today, of all the days, I have realized how when you try to enter the life of any person, you give your everything to them and in return you take in all the crap that you did not sign up for. Some of which are acceptable, some of which are not but at the end of the day you know that you have a big pile of only garbage lying inside you which makes you dirty, you cant spill it out anywhere because then you will make the “environment” dirty, so you know that you gotta digest all of it or else you will not be able to survive a single day. This is what i feel today! A garbage can where each and every person around you/in your life is doing nothing but increasing the piles, sometimes i cant even see my soul in there. I know its a trash.
It is one of those trash cans where there are more 4 bins, one for each, one for plastic (i.e. Pain) you know because its recyclable, one for food (i.e. Love), one for paper (i.e. The blog), and one for cans (i.e. Alcohol). I know i am just recycling the pain with the help of alcohol and sometimes i vent it out here but the food side of it is so dam hungry that now it has started to increase its area down there, its food there in every can now and its scarcity of it is only consuming because its eating up from everywhere.
My soul, my dearest of all soul is not responding, i want to throw all this litter in one wash but i cant. Not any time soon like i had hoped for! You know the feeling when you don’t know how to swim and you are in the middle of the deepest oceans, Its worse right? I have the same feeling going on inside me, in fact its not even the water, all the scrap is consuming me. Counting the days when you can finally get your life back was one thing but when a load of grot weighing more than a 1000 pounds has been added to it. I may not be able to survive this. I may not be able to live even a second of this.
When you know that you will be taken care of so you call 911, but then they don’t find it very urgent sometimes so you realize that you are better off with your own filth growing inside you, somehow you make your peace with it. Imagine the terror.
I don’t know how exactly should i narrate my soul’s movement in there, its like very tiny but sharp corns in humongous amount are poking/pinching it. 24*7!!! They were there all these days but not as hard as today. Its punishing me for not cleansing it. There is not way out except death. Should i let go tonight ? I can’t stand on this cliff anymore waiting for him to return back when i know that the days are not reducing but increasing. Should i take the fall ??? Of course its all “rubbish” what any of you might take this post as but thats all i have got left inside me now. I wish my soul lives longer , please!!!!! It was finally living.
The more i try to escape from it, the more its consuming me. I today feel what hell must be like. Its like a swap full of leftovers. Leftovers from all the pain , and the new ones that are taking birth day every second of everyday. Time to kill the heart inside you, let go off the soul. I can’t let all of you be bitten by the crappy-monster. I can’t let the soul burn inside me.
I need to clean all the poison that is cultivating inside me. Ah! I can feel how everything is slowly decaying.. its choking me!
No questions today, just a conclusion : DON’T EVER OPEN YOUR HEART SO MUCH THAT PEOPLE MAKE IT A DUSTBIN!
Only if …….